I’ve spent half the day thinking about the topic I was going to write about here. I woke up this morning with blogging on my mind. I thought about pandemics. And covid. And stripping. And boobs. And buuber.
I did this all whilst cleaning my apartment, where I live alone. And while I walked my dog through the park, alone. And while I balanced my accounts and responded to some emails, alone.
I considered the subject of the blog (covid) and the reason for the blog (buuber) and then it occurred to me. Essentially, a major side affect of anyone not directly affected by this pandemic… is loneliness. So there was my topic: loneliness. The root-word of loneliness is ‘alone’. Which is where my internal battle began. Because being alone doesn’t equal loneliness in the slightest. Not in my world anyway.
Pre-covid, my life was manic. It was unorganised, unscripted, completely spur of the moment, and at times… completely unbelievable. Aside from my faithful companion (insert perfect little dog) and the random boyfriend every now and then, I have spent a large part of my adult entertainment career – alone. Please note: this is by choice. Having a lifestyle as rockstar as mine is not conducive to a relationship. I’d find the odd guy here or there who thought they could handle it… but they couldn’t. They… could… not. And I don’t blame them. I can’t believe they even tried to date me, to be honest.
But although I choose to be ‘alone’, at least relationship-wise, I never FEEL alone. I have AMAZING friends; too many to count. I have a dog who is obsessed with me, I have a big family, I have mentors, I have plenty of associates, I have neighbours who I chat to every day. I wake up every day smiling, even if I don’t see any of these people. How could I not? I wake up to puppy kisses!
NEVER have I felt lonely. Until a global pandemic took my choices from me. It took my freedom to travel. It took my morning coffee from the cafe downstairs. It took the hugs I used to give my elderly neighbour. It took my weekend plans, my trip to Switzerland, my businesses, my savings account, my fitness regime… at times it took my bloody sanity.
I spent more time on the internet, zoom, and FaceTime with my friends than ever… in fact I spoke to more people in the last 2 months than I’ve spoken to in the last 10 years.
So why have I been feeling so goddamn lonely???
I think maybe loneliness is the wrong word. I haven’t been feeling lonely at all. Uncertain. Fearful. Angry. Confused. Fucking… pissed off. You know I’ve actually been sitting here wondering if I’ve made the wrong life choices and wondering if maybe I should have settled down and found a partner by now??? WHAT the ACTUAL fuck. This pandemic is that much of an asshole that it tricked me into feeling lonely! ME! Of all people.
It’s interesting how having your freedom taken from you messes with your psyche. I am a very head strong, stubborn, determined and independent woman. Yet I sat here, actually questioning my choices. As I write this, the only thing I’m questioning now is my sensibility.
Soon this will all be over and I’ll have my crazy life back. A life of waking up and not knowing what city I’m in. Not knowing what day it is. Not knowing whether or not I’ve missed my flight… or if I even booked it.
I know a few things for sure though. I know that my friends and family are merely a phone call, text, or FaceTime away. I know it will take my dad 3.5 days to respond to my WhatsApp message. I know that Sex Bomb will still be kicking ass. And I know that somewhere, staring out someone’s window, is my dog… wondering where the hell her mother is.
Sorry Pepper, mummy missed her flight again. *Sigh* I never thought I’d say this, but I can’t wait to miss another flight!
– written by Jen Robberts